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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:06 am Reply with quote Back to top

One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired.

So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said "Too old, too old!" -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, "Too young, too young!"

A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, "Hi Bill! Hi Bill!"
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:07 am Reply with quote Back to top

Secrets to a HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:08 am Reply with quote Back to top

Three engineers and three managers went to a conference and had to travel by train to get there. At the station, the three managers bought their three tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a manager. "Just watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train and the managers took their seats and watched as all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. The train departed and shortly afterward, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The managers saw all this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the managers decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" asked one manager. "Just watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They boarded the train. The three managers crammed into a restroom compartment and the three engineers crammed into an another one nearby.

The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom, walked over to the managers' stall, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:09 am Reply with quote Back to top

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother in law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "It excites him to no end, every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and loves me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered , put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:12 am Reply with quote Back to top

Five Little Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:13 am Reply with quote Back to top

Two old drunks were hanging out at their favorite bar. The first one says, "You know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So, what’s your point?" says the second drunk. "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:15 am Reply with quote Back to top

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I feel like I could just strangle her," the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "I tried it, but that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad at her anymore."
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:16 am Reply with quote Back to top

Things you wouldn't hear a southerner say:

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wreslin's fake.
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:18 am Reply with quote Back to top

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her grand- daughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grand- mother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:19 am Reply with quote Back to top

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee, Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:22 am Reply with quote Back to top

Things Not To Be Said Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:

10 Does this come in children's sizes?
09 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
07 Mom will love this.
06 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
05 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
04 Will you model this for me???
03 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
02 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!
01 Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:23 am Reply with quote Back to top

Feel like a woman

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" A man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."
 
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